Category Archives: Fleagle’s Fly
Sage Advice From an Outgoing Senior
Raphael Sullivan ’23
EE Staff Writer
THS students on a school day in late May
With senior skip day coming up, and all other grade levels itching to get out of school, I have created the perfect lineup of excuses and their rating out of ten. Don’t fear freshmen, I have also added a freshmen-friendly classification. For all the seniors who are suddenly going to fall sick this Friday, and all the underclassmen who will soon mature into school skippers, this is the perfect list of all get-out school-free cards.
Calling out sick 7/10
This is an oldy but a goody. The house office staff probably hear these 50 times a day. Not only can this excuse stretch multiple days if done correctly, but the school also can’t doubt you. This method only gets a few points taken off because of its unoriginality. If you’re going to skip school, at least give an interesting excuse. It also loses a point because if you want to leave early, the nurses will do everything in their power to keep you in the building. Overall though, this is a very easy and freshmen-friendly excuse to skip school.
Having a doctor’s/dentist’s appointment 5/10
This method is also a classic. The appointment route, much like calling out, knows its purpose and is good at it. The reason it get’s such a low score is that it only works for half a day. Doctor and dentist appointments only last one or two hours. If you really stretch it, you can leave school for about three hours, however, it is exceedingly unlikely that an appointment would last a whole school day. If you are trying to miss an entire day, pick one of the other methods. Half credit for getting out for half a day. This route is also freshmen-friendly.
Taking a mental health day 3/10
While this is technically what you are doing, the house offices will not be pleased with this response. Just think about it, there’s a reason most people call out sick rather than call for a mental health day. I’m sure no one reading this article wants to be pulled out of class to talk to their counselor because they took a mental health day. This method is probably best for honest freshmen and people who really like their counselors.
Family emergency 5/10
As the author of this piece, I will not judge your moral capacity for selecting this option. This is definitely one of the rarer reasons as family emergencies tend to not happen often. Also, it would be exceedingly difficult to convince your parent to lie about serious family drama. This method does get some points as no one would doubt you. Plus, it gives the house office staff something to gossip about for the day. Would not recommend this, especially for freshmen.
Help, my girlfriend turned into a worm! 10/10
This is the perfect response. To make it even more perfect, instruct the adult to hang up immediately after. It is exceedingly important to not give any context to this message to produce the most confusion possible. This method also lets the house office know that you are unapologetically skipping, great for senior skip day. The worm aspect will completely flabbergast anyone who happens to be in earshot of the message. Amazing response, however, this method is NOT freshmen-friendly.
THS To Institute Strict Handwashing Protocol
Kathryn Wilkinson ‘20
FF CDC Director-In-Training
Editor’s Note: Happy April Fools’ Day
In light of events surrounding the coronavirus and the recent discovery that most teenage boys do not wash their hands before leaving the restroom, the administration has decided to enact strict guidelines for handwashing and hygiene for both students and staff upon returning to school.
A lot of thought and planning, about twenty minutes and a handful of emails to be exact, has been put into this new policy to ensure the safety and wellbeing of the THS community. Everyone must understand these guidelines, so please read this carefully.
In each and every bathroom, there will be a handwashing police, of the same gender, stationed by the sinks. The primary job of this new staff is to ensure proper handwashing of each and every student. Students are required to use one pump of soap and scrub for at least twenty seconds, then rinse.
Failure to follow these incredibly elementary rules will result in consequences. The handwashing police has the right to reprimand. If a student chooses to not wash their hands at all, there will be a mandatory one day in school suspension. If a student does not wash their hands for at least twenty seconds or does not engage in proper scrubbing, the student will be asked to rewash their hands. If they still fail to follow protocol the handwashing police will issue a handwashing citation. If a student earns three citations, they will be subject to a lunch detention.
However, there are benefits to properly washing your hands. All handwashing police will be equipped with gold star stickers. Earning five gold star stickers will earn you a free item at the school store.
Student Gets A Good Night’s Sleep
Sandy Mann ‘8-10
FF Late Night Reporter
Cat Knapp (2nd from left) performing with the THS Unicycling Club
Last night, Senior Catherine “Cat” Knapp reportedly achieved the eight hours of sleep recommended by the American Sleep Association, becoming at once both a role model and source of envy to much of the student body.
“It was a lot of hard work to get here, but my new motto is ‘snooze it or lose it!’” remarked Knapp, citing the huge mental and physical strains consistently bad sleeping habits can have on teenagers.
Getting a full eight hours of sleep may not seem like such a noteworthy accomplishment, but for Knapp, who will be the first Trumbull High School student to attend the prestigious Sleepford University in New York City, balancing her busy academic schedule and extracurricular activities with a solid night’s sleep is quite the feat.
“It took hours of practice and preparation,” recalled Knapp. “Despite my substantial commitments as Captain of the Co-Ed Varsity Curling Team; President of the Unicycling Club; and the future Prime Minister of England, as well as having to balance the work of my nine AP classes, I felt it was my duty to work toward consistently sleeping a solid eight to ten hours a night. As I will soon be moving to ‘The City that Never Sleeps’, I need to get into a good sleep routine in order to avoid taking to the bad habits of my new neighbors.”
Thinking of the skills that she learned in AP Fatigue Elimination, thought to be the hardest class taught at the high school, Knapp started by working to make the best of her study time.
Knapp said, “I spent time learning how to read Braille in order to maximize the amount of books I could read at a time. This way, I could read four books at a time— two books with my eyes and two books with my hands.” This strategy allowed Knapp to cut her study time in half, even if she now suffers from eye strain and constant migraines.
Then, she had many unsuccessful practice attempts to reach her eight hour goal, having to overcome much insomnia over the nights, until it all eventually fell into place. Knapp recalled, “To the contrary of the common belief, I found that it was actually better to let the bedbugs bite.”
Knapp is hopeful that she will be able to keep a streak of nights well slept, saying that she will no longer partake in her regular “Two Hour” Tuesday’s and “What’s Sleep?” Wednesday’s. She encourages other students to aim to get sufficient amounts of sleep but suggests trying different methods to get there, saying, “Now that I think of it, my efforts were probably a bit extreme.”
