Raphael Sullivan ’23
EE Staff Writer
Over Thanksgiving break, many students probably heard complaints about their table manners. That, back in your grandpa’s day, kids wouldn’t be glued to their phones. Auntie Sue would comment that when she was at the Thanksgiving table, she would actually talk to her relatives. Most probably ignored such advice, or simple put their phone away.
The brave ones, though, would just tell their relatives that they aren’t interesting. You, however, are different. You fight fire with fire. So tighten your corsets and practice your square dance because, in old times, people would drop dead at the ripe old age of 35 from tuberculosis. Way back then, the average person only had 3 pairs of pants. This Christmas, you are bringing back the Victorian era.
The first thing you’ll need to prepare is your clothes. Your parent’s era wears way too revealing clothing–I mean T-shirts? Atrocious.
For the more feminine students this Christmas, the first garments you will need are your drawers, stockings, and a decency skirt. Then you may dawn your Chemise, a nightgown-type undergarment meant to cover the unsightly drawers. Once your underwear is complete, you may move on to the next step, creating a figure.
Adults nowadays put in little effort to look good. You, on the other hand, shall adorn a corset to cinch your waist and a crinoline to create the shape of your dress. (A crinoline is a wire framework over which your skirt will lay which leaves a lot of room for smuggling prohibited goods).
If by chance any other members of your family appear with a crinoline, check for the telltale signs of a smuggler: walking oddly, clothing being too big or small, or wearing clothing that is too festive. If you see someone matching any of these descriptions, be sure to alert your local authorities. Finishing up the inner workings, all you need to do is dress in a petticoat to prepare for the skirt and a corset cover. Finally, you may adorn your dress.
Male students looking to wear a suit have much less of a struggle. No complicated undergarments are necessary. A white button-down is in order and make sure you put it on after your trousers so the trousers straps go under your shirt. The next step is a waistcoat to be worn over your button-down. Then you can flip up your collar up and select a tasteful bowtie. For the winter, both a smoking jacket and an Inverness cape are needed.
After dressing it is now time to review your table etiquette. Remember that cutting bread is impolite, instead, firmly grasp each end and break it into pieces. Don’t take too much of any item, split your plate evenly between courses and items. Never pass your plate while your fork and knife are on it. You are not that greedy, one at a time. In terms of utensils, make sure to only consume your grapes after slicing them with your grape scissors. When taking bread out of the basket, remember to only use a toast fork. If anyone breaks these rules a light smack with a fan or glove is recommended.
For the hint of drama seen at any family event, consider hat and fan etiquette. For the gentleman, how you hold your hat tells a lot. Running your finger around the rim can mean “I love you”, but using your entire hand can mean “I hate you”. Holding it in front of you means you are single and behind means, you are married. Carrying your hat by the crown is asking to be followed.
When it comes to hand fans, touching it to your left ear means you wish to be left alone. Showing off a closed fan is asking for a confession of love. Placing it against your right cheek means “yes,” while against the left means “no,”.
Finally, the Christmas celebration must also follow in a Victorian fashion: Christmas trees must be lit with wax candles and plants should cover the house. Christmas is a time to go all out in decorations. Gifts should be given with sugared almonds wrapped with paper.
Now, you are finally ready to depart on your Christmas journey. You will never be talked down to and will never be banished to the kids table ever again.